remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
