I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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