if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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