I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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