so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
