i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
