I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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