i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
