When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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