I have demons in me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
