I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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