??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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