matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
