The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
