That reminds me...we need to get swords
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
