You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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