Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
