Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
