I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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