god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
