The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
