I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How naked do you want me to be?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
