At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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