Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
