Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
