So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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