I heard we made out
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
false alarm. still invincible.
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you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right