I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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