there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
