so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
