my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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