he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I die, sorry about rent.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
