I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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