Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
