Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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