I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
