Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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