I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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