i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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