I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
