im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
