you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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