That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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