I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
