why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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