Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
