Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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