What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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