Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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