im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
