Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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