i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
