I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
