Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
