What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
