I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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