i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
