Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
