She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
