no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
